Driving Me Crazy!
It’s almost two years since my Adventures In Driving began and it’s certainly been a crazy two years!
I absolutely agree 100% that people’s personalities change as soon as they get behind the wheel and I am well and truly part of that ‘club’ now.
I’ve come to realise I swear a LOT more when driving and even had to apologise to my boss recently as I cursed my way out of a junction.
However, she didn’t seem to mind when I was screaming ‘aaarrrrrghhh’ as we were going round a roundabout!
I read a post recently about what people say while driving and I could relate to a few of them but realise I also have some of my own to add. I’ll warn/apologise about the swearing first…
1. Fucking Move/Turn Then!
This is quite common when people don’t move or they take ages to turn off the road. I’ve not yet had the privilege of honking my horn at someone when they don’t go at the green light.
2. Step On It Grandma/Grandpa
I never will be a fast driver so when there is someone in front of me slowing me down, there’s a problem. 9 times out of 10 the problem is being caused by someone whose next car will be a Hearse.
3. Stay On Your Own God Damn Side
I make such an effort to keep within the lines mainly because it’s the correct thing to do but also because my car beeps at me when I go over the lines and I’ve not managed to figure out how to turn that setting off yet. So – why can’t everyone else stay on their own bloody side!
4. Audi Driving Fuckface
Basically if you drive an Audi – YOU. ARE. A. MASSIVE. COCK! More often that not if there’s someone pissing me off they are in an Audi!
5. Arrrrrgh – I Can’t Fucking See!
This usually happens when I go through a big puddle and pretty much any time I am driving at night. Yes, it’s quite worrying isn’t it?
6. Get Off My Ass Or I’ll Spray You
This is a little trick I learned if someone is getting too close to you. I just spray my rear windscreen washer at them. That way they kind of have to slow down a little bit. I told Greg about this and he said ‘It’s Not Super Fucking Mario Kart’. I said ‘oh yes it is’ and got even more prepared for my next journey by packing some bananas and kidnapping the neighbour’s tortoise.
7. You Absolute C**t!
This is the worst! It can be used on anyone, anytime, anyplace. I only say this word when I’m driving and I even kind of shock myself.
8. You Absolute Twat!
As above but I’m more than happy to use this with passengers in the car.
9. Is That Car Parked?
Because sometimes you just can’t tell, right? Or is it just me that’s experienced sitting behind a car for far too long before realising there was nobody in it.
It’s definitely okay to make this noise when you go round a corner slightly too fast!
11. I Can’t Even See The Fucking Road
This happens when we go up the mountains and the roads are so steep and you sometimes don’t see the road up ahead or sometimes when you look in the rear view mirror and all you see is sky!
12. Move it birdy!
I’m sorry but I’m not stopping for any of our “feathered friends”. Bigger animals, yes but birds – no. In fact I’m looking forward to my first kill because I’ve heard they just explode into a cloud of feathers.
I did try to find a photo of exploding feathers but I got distracted for some reason…
13. Will I Fit? Will I Fit? Fuck It – We’ll Soon Find Out
My spatial awareness is terrible! Sometimes you just have to go through the gap and take the chance…yes? You’ll be glad to know that I don’t close my eyes or suck my cheeks in anymore.
14. Well I’m Just Going To Go Even Slower To Piss You Off
This is related to number 6. If it’s raining, dark, too sunny, snowing (in fact my ideal driving conditions only happen on 4 days of the year) I will drive slower and take my time. There’s never anywhere, anyone has to be so urgently that it’s worth risking lives for. If I can see your ugly mug in my rear view mirror – you are far too close. If the spraying hasn’t pissed you off yet then I am going to drive even slower (within reason obviously) and mutter swearwords at you!
I use this one with caution now ever since I turned off the road to go to my street as slow as I possibly could (while making faces) only to find the driver behind me was coming in the same direction. I was now shitting myself that they were following me home and were going to road rage the shit out of me once I got there! Thankfully, no – they turned off just before I got to my house.
15. Jesus-ing Fuck!
I have no idea where this one came from and I’m quite sure it’s unique but I love it!
I am quite sure I will think of more and I will add them when I do. In the meantime I also did an Ask Reddit and you can see some of their (less savoury) responses by clicking below…
What about you? What would you add to this list?
CHECK OUT MORE OF MY “ADVENTURES IN DRIVING”!