Celebrating Scotland: 10 Things I Love About My Country #2 – Inventors & Inventions…


Should Scotland remain part of the UK now that we have been removed from the EU despite voting against it?

When we had the vote for Scottish Independence I voted to remain part of the UK because I was happy being Scottish, part of the UK and part of the EU. Now that it has been decided for us/against us to leave the EU my thoughts about becoming an independent Scotland have changed.

I am so proud (and sometimes feel a bit inadequate as the only thing I’ve ever thought to invent was “all day breakfast” cereal) to say I live in Scotland when I think of all the great inventions this clever country has produced. So #2 in this series is Inventors & Inventions.

Okay, let’s get realistic, if it wasn’t for the Scottish I wouldn’t be blogging, you wouldn’t be surfing the net and we would still need to walk to libraries to find out stuff. No, we didn’t invent the internet (or would want to – some things on it are just gross, cups and girls springs to mind) but what did we need waaaay before the internet was even possible…

The Telephone – Alexander Graham Bell

Undoubtedly, the single, most important invention in the history of communication. Alexander was a very, very clever man and I’m sure he would be amazed at how situations today wouldn’t be so much different had he not invented it. For example, Blondie would not have had this hit, videos like these would not be possible and we would have to think of another saying for being sick after drinking too much alcohol.

If I could invent a “telephone to the past” and call Alexander Graham Bell, what would you say to him? I would probably say “can you accept the charges please, I’m a thrifty Scot too you know, and dialling the past cost loads”

Ring a ding, ding, Alexander Graham Bell!

Hello? Hello?

There’s a bit of a rivalry with the next inventor and the first one as Alexander invented something that always rings when you are in the middle of trying to watch this next one…

The Television – John Logie Baird

Yet another invention that paved the way for so many devices and technologies that we couldn’t live without today. John basically added another member of the family to every household across the entire world. There’s nothing better than simply lying on the sofa, “sticking something on the telly box” that you don’t even have to concentrate on to enjoy. Some people call that theory “chewing gum for the eyes” but I call it “watching reruns of Friends for the billionth time and having an afternoon nap”.

Some people like to use it for educational purposes by watching documentaries but then again some people are nuts. I now use television for my bedtime stories and it really is the best cure for insomnia.

However, kids, it’s still okay to go out and play – the tv will still be there when you’ve received your fresh air, exercise and socialised with your friends so get OOT!

When I said go out and get some fresh air, that’s not what I meant…

Cheers John, see you after this short ad break!

This may be hard to believe but I have been accused of speaking shit on numerous occasions so why change now…

Alexander Cummings – The Flush-able Toilet

This concept isn’t used all over the world and that thought really makes me want to boak. Once I’ve dropped the kids off at the pool the last thing I would then want to is fish them back out and take them somewhere else. I also can’t comprehend the Bede system or any other method of wiping your ass that doesn’t involve toilet tissue.

So, thanks to Mr Cummings once it’s dumped, it’s flushed and it’s gone. Well except on a few occasions when the damn log just won’t go but I can’t blame that on the flush system it’s more a bodily system issue. Floaters, yes they happen and ladies do them too but they just don’t admit to it it resulting in a “who is the phantom shitter?” debate in offices up and down the country.

As I write this post I am currently in the car and it is, for want of better words, pishing down with rain outside and I realise I don’t even have a jacket with me. I should really have one of this next guy’s inventions…

Charles Macintosh – Macs aka Raincoats

Charlie boy designed one of the first waterproof fabrics by rubberizing sheets of material in his textile factory in 1824. Now, I’m sure it rained just as much before 1924 so there must have been a lot of drookit people walking around outside.

If it’s raining, it’s raining…

Thanks Charles but I would have been more grateful if you had invented something to stop it actually raining instead – just saying!

What would the Queen Of England do if you tried to lick the back of her head? I imagine she wouldn’t be too keen on that idea, yet thanks to the next inventor we’ve actually been licking Betty’s heid for years…

James Chalmers – Adhesive Postage Stamp

Lick it, stick it and send it! When life was simpler and posting a letter was a lot easier than it is today all we had to do was lick the stamp, stick it on the envelope and drop it in the post box. As well as the stamps with the Queen’s head we could also lick Santa at Christmas and the Easter Bunny at Easter. Yes, it was gross as who knows where the back of the stamp had been and it also tasted minging. A great invention in it’s day but sadly it’s not stood the test of time.

She tastes funny…

Cheers James – here’s to licking the Queen!

I used to work in a bank and was responsible for filling up the next invention with money. Quite exciting in itself working with all that money but me being me, to make it more fun I used to speak to people on the outside of the machine trying to freak them out. It amused me but it wasn’t as funny as this though…

James Goodfellow – Automated Teller Machine (ATM)

I still know people who work in banks and frankly this invention is a God send. I mean why queue to have casual small talk with someone you didn’t really like in the first place when you can go to the “hole in the wall”. Sadly, I don’t have enough money to visit this invention as often as I would like!

Thanks Mr Goodfellow. You really are a good fellow!

I get up in the morning and get my butter from the fridge, thanks to William Cullen and then I make my toast thanks to Alan MacMasters. I decide to take a flask of tea to work thanks to James Dewar. I check the time on my electric clock thanks to Alexander Bain. I decide I can’t be bothered going to work and instead I mow the lawn thanks to Alexander Shanks. I could go on and on about all the scientific type stuff we have done, however, that kind of stuff bores me a little but well done Scottish boffins!

I hope you now realise how different your life would be if it wasn’t for the stupid Scottish people!

Are you proud of your country? Let me know about it in the comments below or tweet me @SteveSays2014 and don’t forget to take a look at other posts in this series

23 thoughts on “Celebrating Scotland: 10 Things I Love About My Country #2 – Inventors & Inventions…

  1. There was also the Glasgow School of Art. As for us in Kiwiland. Our most well known Kiwi was Ernest Rutherford who split the atom – which we all know lead to something that I would rather take back. On a more positive and yummy note we invented the pavlova.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on O Pie-oneers! and commented:
    Steve’s highly entertaining list of Awesome Scottish Inventions, where I finally learn that it’s spelled “boak”, and not “boke”! I’ll echo my comments here and say that if it’s not Scottish, it’s CRAP.


    1. Haha, love it. Thanks – there might even be a full post on dialect to come and that’s just a taster. Did you get a list of a all the future topics ?



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