I Don’t Want To Catch Ebola – What Are My Other Options Please…

It looks like it’s only a matter of time before Ebola comes knocking at the door of the UK and before we’ve even had a chance to look through the letter box to see who it is it will break down our front door. Imagine if we got an invitation sent through beforehand and could choose if we either wanted Ebola or another type of “bola”? What would be our options..?

“E” Bola

If you opt for Ebola then the survival rates are not all that great and if you are lucky enough to survive then you will have ongoing muscle and joint pain, liver inflammation, and decreased hearing among other difficulties. I think this would be the last option ticked on my “Bola Preferences”.

“Tom” Bola

I like a gamble and since the odds of surviving Ebola are pretty poor I think I would quite like this option. It originated in Italy and has mutated over time into a strain called “Bingo“. Most popular at coffee mornings with the elderly the only risk with this is losing money and not winning an unwanted Christmas gift donated by some ungrateful relative.

I can live with Tombola and since the elderly have survived this for generations then the odds of survival are looking pretty good too.

“Caram” Bola

Carambola is a fruit also known as the Starfruit native to Philippines, Indonesia, Malaysia, India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka. A fruit that looks like a star – this must be good? Surely I’d be okay with accepting this into my body? “Fruit is good for you” they say. “Eat 5 a day” they say. Oh no – not this one…

Carambolas contains oxalic acid, which has been considered harmful to individuals suffering from kidney failure, kidney stones, or those under kidney dialysis treatment. Consumption by those with kidney failure can produce hiccups, vomiting, nausea, and mental confusion. Fatal outcomes have been documented in some patients.[11][12][13][14][15][16]Recent research has however, identified another compound, caramboxin, which is structurally similar to phenylalanine, to be responsible for the observed effects.[17]

I will not be ticking this option – stick your starfruits up you arse!

“Coco” Bola

Cocobola is a tropical hardwood of the tree Dalbergia retusa from Central America. That’s all well and good but what can I do with a lump of boring old wood? Well, not so boring apparently – it is used to make gun grips and knife handles, high-end cue sticks, police batons, pens, brush backs, and musical instruments, especially guitars, drums and basses.

Perfect!

If my stupid next door neighbours have opted for Ebola then I can make weapons to kill them if they try to come anywhere near me with their infected bodily fluids. I could make games equipment to keep me occupied until the outbreak is over and then musical instruments so I can compose the expected charity song to raise money to help with the aftermath.

Everyone’s a winner with cocobola.

“Lo” Bola

Sadly, Lobola is not the “lite” version of Ebola where you just have to take a few paracetamol and go to bed for a day and then you are right as rain. No, it’s the South African custom of having to pay the family of your fiance for their hand in marriage. Traditionally the Lobola payment was in cattle as cattle were the primary symbol of wealth in African society. However, many modern urban couples have switched to using cash. Some families even use electronic transfers and credit cards as a form of payment. Next step – PayPal (the Popes favourite method of payment).

Come on – love is free people! I’m a Scottish skinflint so if this were the case for me then I’d either end up alone or with someone whose head I would need to keep under a paper bag.

The final option is not exactly a “Bola” but it is absolutely the one I would opt in to…

“Feather” Bo(l)a

Fashion item or deadly disease? Fashion item or deadly disease? Hmmm, fashion item please! At worse I could end up with both. “Died from Ebola while in a feather boa” – it’s got a nice ring to it and I’d leave a fabulous corpse!

Of course the threat of this disease scares me every second of the day but as always making light of situations is my coping method so let’s end this with the most famous feather boa wearer in history -Maragarita Pracatan, I love yo babeee…

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