# Dear Gregorian Calendar,

## January

You named January after Janus, the Roman god of gates, doorways, beginnings and endings, or as he is known to his friends – Hugh.

Janus (January) – a great big hole at the start of the year waiting to be filled by the pleasure and pain of what is yet to come. But Mr Gregorian, why before we can even embark on the year do you give us homework to do? As we lie in bed, nursing a hangover from the celebrations of one of your birthdays might I add, you give us complicated equations to do so we can work out how many days the months have? I refer you to the below:

## L = 30 + { [ M + floor(M/8) ] MOD 2 }, where L is the month length in days and M is the month number 1 to 12

What the hell?

You have obviously never read my post, Learning – Keeping It Simple because that equation is just way too difficult for us to work out. Luckily for you someone came up with the “knuckle mnemonic” otherwise no one would ever know when to flip over our calendars and begin the next month. I do have some bad news for you Gregster – every man and their dog (and cat, guinea pig, meerkat) have jumped on to your bandwagon and produce calendars these days. Don’t panic though, they don’t mess around with the months or anything. Basically, if you are a celebrity or an animal it has become an unwritten law that you need to have a calendar. I personally think you should put in a royalty payments claim!

There are apparently 7810 famous people who were born in this month. A good mixture of people from presidents to porn stars (Mr Clinton, if you are reading – that’s not a career path). Alfred Tarski, a Polish mathematician, was also born in January and I bet even he used his knuckles to work out how many days were in a month!

Thank you for January.

## February

In January you gave us your equation for calculating the number of days and we had 31 days to get used to it and then February arrives and kicks your equation right up the Janus! Is it 30 days? Is it 31 days? Not even close! Sometimes 28, sometimes 29. However, I will forgive you for this slight error as it’s a very quick month and means I get my salary sooner.

You named February after Februss – Etruscan god of death.

Interesting choice.

So January is a time for setting new goals, making plans for the future and before you even get a chance to flip your “I Love Cats” calendar to 1st February – dead!  To date there have been 141 famous deaths on 1st February which I hold you responsible for Gregsy but looking at the list I don’t really recognise any of the dead people so perhaps it is a good opportunity for a clear out.

There are some unfortunate people wandering this planet who were born on the 29th February. This means they only have a birthday every four years but at the same time they age at the same rate as normal humans. Surely you could have built-in some anti-ageing clause for these poor people who only get birthday presents every leap year. Even a gift voucher for Botox in their birthday card would help their plight.

## March

Now we have got to grips with the numbers and can happily use our knuckles from now on things are looking brighter. You named March after Mars – Roman god of war (and confectionery). I think you chose Mars for one of two reasons:

(1) You sometimes make Easter come early (do you have an equation to calculate when Easter is as I’ve never worked that out) and you have shares in the company, Mars, with a nice healthy dividend payment from all the chocolate eggs and bunnies sold.

(2) It’s been 3 months since you got the board game, Risk, as a Christmas present and Mrs Gregorian has lost some of the cards so you think let’s have a real war instead – March 20th, 2003, Iraq War. Thank you for flying Gregorian Calendar Airways – Chocolate or war?

I was born in March and I like chocolate, not war ergo option (1)

Thank you for me and thank you for March.

## April

I’m not really sure what you named April after as my source of all knowledge, Wikipedia, is somewhat confusing:

“Modern scholars associate the name with an ancient root meaning ‘other’, i.e. the second month of a year beginning in March.”

Maybe you have a reverse, hidden, subliminal message in there that reads “this is the first of the three months that you are allowed to name your female children after”. April, May and June are the only three months that are also common female names. That’s it!

However, I hate to rain on your parade but there are kids out there called August and January. But rest assured Mr Gregorian, these kid’s parents are most likely hippies and don’t even know what day of the week it is never mind months of the year.

There are lots of famous people called April, I’m sure, but the one I share back to you is one of the most influential women in modern journalism. Her talents know no bounds and she is worthy of every second of her on-air time. She is also the only woman in history that knows how to rock a yellow jump suit. I present to you – April O’Neil.

Kids, if you are reading this do not attempt to Google April O’Neil as there is a porn actress of the same name who is currently number 49 in a list of The Top 100 Porn Stars Right Now.

Thank you for April…and porn 😉

## May

We’ve made it to May Gregypoos – don’t the months just fly by? By the time we get to May we’re usually upset by how quick the year has gone and frustrated by how many (if any) of our New Year Resolutions we have fulfilled. So, we’re like – come what, May? There’s just a general sense of “oh if it happens, it happens”.

A very nice man called William Shakespeare (you would have liked him) coined the phrase in Macbeth and his definition is “let whatever events crop up come to pass”. He makes use of the word “crop” so I sense a secret alliance between you and him. You gave him a sign to tell him to spread the word on when to plant crops, didn’t you?

A good friend of yours, Mr Julian Calendar told me that you are a big fan of the Musicals, well hold on to your lunar cycle because they only went and made “Come What May” into a song too.

Apparently you named May after Maia Maiestas – Roman goddess of springtime, warmth, and increase. Well she’s changed a lot since her days “godessing” it up in Ancient Rome. She too has went down the Musicals career path. She’s changed her name to Mya and teamed up with a bunch of lovely girls called Christina Aguilera, Pink and Lil’ Kim. She now uses her powers to tell all the Ladies of the world that May is the time to make Marmalade.

Thank you for Moulin Rouge and thank you for May.

## June

You named June after Juno – a 2007 Canadian-American comedy-drama film starring Ellen Page and Michael Cera which was quite strangely released in September…

…oh no, silly me I’ve only gone and got my Juno’s mixed up.

You actually named it after Juno – Roman goddess, wife of Jupiter (and also sister apparently, bloody Romans).

I know it’s been a lot of years since you spoke with June but you’ll be glad to know I have a telephone number for her. If she doesn’t answer then leave her a message after the beep just like this person done.

You decided to put the longest day of the year in June. I’m not quite sure on the thinking behind that because I’m usually working that day. I don’t get paid any extra for working longer as I am sure a lot of other people don’t. Could you not have put the longest day of the year on January 1st – that way we get longer to celebrate your birthday and don’t have to work extra for free – win, win situation.

Thank you for June.

## July

So, here’s a question Mr G…

July on the sand or July on a towel? Haha, that was just a little joke to celebrate the halfway point and also the fact that July means summer and beaches to me. You named it after Julius Caesar – Roman Dictator and lead actor in the 1953 film Julius Caesar. Dictators aren’t nice people, why did you chose to name the month after him? He must have given you no option and forced you to do it or he would have made you marry your sister or something. I’ll let you off.

You decided that the following won’t have a good month in July:

(1) Spring lambs, born in late winter or early spring, are usually sold (it’s not looking good) before July 1st

(2) Aliens trying to land in America on July 4th – be warned Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum will whoop your ass!

But the following will have a great July:

(1) Australian Trees – National Tree Day (the last Sunday in July throughout Australia) has been observed in Australia since 1889

(2) Dogs – Dogdays begin in early July, when the hot sultry weather of summer usually starts So on behalf of dogs and trees everywhere thank you for July.

## August

You named August after another Roman person – shock! If you ever need to develop the “Gregorian Calendar II” then I urge you to steer clear of gods and emperors and look on Perez Hilton’s website for inspiration. Alternatively, do a competition, hold auditions and make some money from it “Calendar Idol” or ” The Month Factor” – open it up to the public!

My entry would be to re-name August to “Princess Diana” as this was the month you chose to take away our Queen Of Hearts.

Just like the artist formerly known as Prince, August used to be known by another name before you and your new calendar record label took over. It was known as Sextilis…..good call on the change!

Thank you for Princess Diana – the month formerly known as August.

## September

You must have run out of Romans for naming the next few months as they are all named with Latin numbers. That’s very inconsiderate to the non-Latin speakers of the world. They get up to the end of August and then have no clue what’s going on until January. It’s just one big time of confusion. They just have to look out for the tell-tale signs of what month it is:

Osama Bin Laden is on the television – must be September.

American people go over the top with ghosts & monsters – must be October.

British people celebrate a terrorist with fireworks and bonfires – must be November.

Someone gives you a new calendar – must be December.

So, they have a workaround but learn the lesson – no one speaks Latin anymore!

Did you know that cheeky little chappy Nostradamus? His book was top of your charts in 1555 and you didn’t produce your calendar until 1582. Apparently he predicted the 9/11 attacks. I wish you had worked together and got him to mark exact dates when we are likely to see such catastrophes or the end of the world. All his little poems are a bit wishy-washy and some of us like to plan for these type of events.

Thanks for September.

## October

I’ve marked this heading red because I think Sean Connery is still looking for it and I like to help out my fellow Scots when I can.

The obvious celebration you give us this month is Halloween and this is what “normal” people look forward to and enjoy. However, there is another celebration that goes on in October isn’t there G-man? You’ve kept it well hidden to prevent ridicule – Mole Day.

Normal people like myself would expect this to be a day of celebrating the little furry animals but oh no! This must be the biggest, geekiest, saddest celebration I have ever come across. It’s too sciencey for me to even comprehend. They even try to make it “funny” by having different themes i.e. “Moles Of The Caribbean”. It’s not big and it’s not clever Geester, next you will be telling me that the Pie Day I am so looking forward to in March is about the 3.14159 number and not crusty, meaty filled goodness. What? It is? Noooo..

Thanks for October – if you see Sean, tell him you’ve got it.

## November

No one likes November and you are entirely to blame!

You start it off with a big, negative No!

People ask me in November am I looking forward to Christmas and No is the answer. Think positive Gregori and call it Yesvember. Or as we Scots would say – “Och Aye”vember. Then ask me if I am looking forward to Christmas and I shall say No, it’s still 2 months away – get a grip. But I will say it in a positive way 🙂

Thanks for November.

## December

Forget the Super Bowl, forget the Word Series and forget the Wimbledon Men’s Tennis Final (well except 2013 when Andy Murray won) there is only one battle you want us to focus on in December.

## Santa Claus vs Baby Jesus

Every year on 25th December you host the ultimate showdown between these two Christmas favourites. You’ve been keeping the score since 1582 and at the start of December it was all equal and everything to play for.

I was rooting for the Baby Jesus as I know what you always have in store for him come Easter….

However Santa pipped him at the post this year by leaving a brand new shiny DSLR camera for me underneath the Christmas Tree. Sorry, Baby Jee maybe next year….here’s a head start, get me a car 🙂

I’ve got another bone to pick with you about December Mr Gregorian. What the hell do you sprinkle on the days after Christmas that makes everyone forget what day it is? It’s so confusing, stop it!

Then we get to then end of December and everyone is in party, joyful, happy spirits and before we know it – January again! You make us go through all this once more!

Thanks for December.

Thanks for 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010 etc etc etc.

Lots of love,

Steve